How To Get Men On Board With Investing In Postpartum
Often a mother is willing and ready to invest in a postpartum doula, but experiences what I call the "dad block". He doesn’t get it yet.
Without putting too fine a point on it, the biggest difference between men and women is that YOU are the one having the baby. It’s in your body, right now. You’ve probably connected the dots much sooner than your partner and realised that having a baby is going to change your life. This means that YOU are the one planning, reading, shopping and preparing your heart out, whilst he’s probably just acting as though it’s business as usual.
Maybe your man is one of those partners who will do anything to make sure you find peace and joy in motherhood. Awesome! This blog post is not for you.
But if your bloke still hasn’t got his head around the whole your-life-is-about-to-turn-upside-down thing yet, he’s unlikely to be ready to fork out $$$ in smoothing out the roller coaster ahead.
Don’t panic, I’ve created this guide to getting your man on board just for you.
And just as an aside, I know some non-birthing partners are women, but in my experience they don’t seem to block care in the same way that some men do, so that’s why I’m writing especially about men today.
Newsflash: becoming a father is completely different from becoming a mother.
The man in your life probably won’t get it.
Dads experience the transition to parenthood differently from women, from the inside out. Nature is full of miracles, including this: hormones within a family work symbiotically. His hormones will react to childbirth differently to yours. Whilst your oxytocin levels go up during pregnancy childbirth, his increases due to hands-on parenting. He may not be on the same page as you until the baby is in his arms, and even then he may feel comfortable in a different role to you, at least in the short-term.
Dads can sometimes step into the protector and provider role, keeping you and your baby safe. He needs to do this so you can fully and completely embrace baby brain and enjoy that gooey mushy haze of nurturing and nourishing your baby. This means you are ready to connect, whilst he is ready to protect. It’s common for him to have his guard up right now, and it’s actually quite sweet!
Now you get where he is coming from I’m going to talk you through some common objections. Of course, I’m biased, I think a postpartum doula is the best decision you could make for your family.
But I also want you to feel 100% supported by your partner on this one.
Make sure you include your partner from the beginning. Let him read some blog posts, listen to some podcasts and maybe attend a postpartum education session together. Make sure he is at the initial interview with your doula. If you bring him in to the conversation too late in the know/like/trust process it’s going to be harder to get him on board.
Here are some of the reasons your man might not be on board with your decision, and some suggestions of how you may respond.
Objection: But It’s Expensive
Your Reply:
Peace and joy are hard to put a $$$ value on and to be totally honest, I’m sure a postpartum doula is worth every cent and more.
The good news here is postpartum doula is one of those investments that can really pay off— in peace and joy, in mindset shifts and a renewed sense of confidence that will benefit me, my baby, and our relationship for life. It’s like an AAA investment.
You’ve probably heard the old "happy wife, happy life". It’s kind of an extension of the happy mum, happy baby adage. 83% of couples experience a moderate to severe marriage crisis in the transition to parenthood. I want to make sure I don’t wind up feeling resentful because I do not have the support I need in motherhood, or our relationship will suffer.
When you see me happy and confident in motherhood you’ll have absolutely no doubt that these things are worth more than money.
I have absolutely no hesitation about the VALUE of a postpartum doula, so if you’re cool with it, I’d like to go ahead and sign up.
Objection: But It’s Not Going To Work
Your Reply:
My chosen doula has xxx experience and xxx qualifications and I chose her because of xxx.
She has built a solid reputation and shares loads of stories and testimonials that you can read.
She is so confident that her work has the power to change lives that she offers an xxx money back guarantee. If I’m not impressed all I have to do is xxx to get my money back.
Objection - But You Don’t Need To Learn How To Be A Mother
Your Reply:
Mums can be born the hard way or the easy way.
Just like babies, the mum in me has to get out somehow. It can be long and drawn out and painful, or I have a doula she will help me to make the ‘birth’ of myself as a mother peaceful and joyful.
I’m a lifelong learner and I’m never done evolving and growing, my chosen doula is the person I want to be supported by for my transition to motherhood.
Maybe personal development is not your kettle of fish. It’s ok for us to be different, and I love and respect you anyway. Let’s talk about what needs to happen in order for this to be a win for both of us.
Objection: But I Want To Support You
Your Reply:
You are a huge source of emotional support for me, now and always. But for best results, I need a broader support team. Women traditionally support mothers after childbirth and here’s why.
You have never had a baby before either, so you’re as a rookie as me when it comes to bathing and nappy changes and soothing a baby to sleep. I need the support of someone with experience and education.
You have not physically experienced pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding, so you can’t fully understand what’s going on with my body right now. You have no life experience of what I’m going through and what I’m about to go through, even if you have had children already. I want to talk to people who understand what I am feeling.
It takes a village. A whole village. The nuclear family is a very new concept in the history of raising human babies. I believe if I reach out to more and the universe will provide. Our baby will thank us for this.
Here are some of the reasons why it’s worth paying a professional for postpartum care too.
Objection: But Who Is This Doula Anyway?
Your Reply:
She is xxx (share her bio).
I really trust and respect her. And best of all she promises to help me be the mum I want to be. She will never try and fit our family in a box or tell us what to do. She’ll help us find what works for us.
If All Else Fails
Have a chat, from the heart and tell him that this is important for you, and for the baby you are having together.
The truth is you don’t have the power to change another person. But you do have the power to change yourself.
If all else fails then I want you to ask yourself this: do you really need anyone else’s permission? Peace and joy is yours for the taking, go for it.