Rewire Your Brain With Positive Affirmations
You are already an excellent mother. I know that because you are here, and your investment says a lot about your priorities. You are putting time and energy into being the mum you want to be, and that’s the best thing any mum can ever do.
But, Sometimes There Are These Nagging Feelings In The Back Of Our Minds.
Sometimes there’s a little voice from our childhood telling us we’re doing it all wrong. Sometimes it can help to start actively switching off that little voice by replacing it with a new soundtrack.
I find affirmations helpful, like a road map to inner peace and joy. If you have never used affirmations before, let me warn you, you are about to open a pot of gold. If you have used affirmations before then you know how powerful they can be!
Affirmations Are So Powerful Because They Are Internal.
Sometimes shit happens. As Viktor Frankl explains in his seminal book Mans Search for Meaning, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Sometimes we need to find ways to feel more peace and joy even though the world is still chaotic.
First we need to stop internalising the patriarchy, pointing at the cultural systems that are letting us down as mothers. But we also need to accept that things won’t change overnight, and find a way to cope with the messy reality.
Negative Affirmations Send Messages Of Fear And Stress To The Brain, Releasing Cortisol And Adrenaline.
But, here is the secret. You have to believe what you are saying. The feeling of calm needs to be real. If your thinking brain is interfering with messages like, “This is new age nonsense” or, “What a waste of time” your brain is less likely to accept them. If you don’t believe in affirmations consider starting with a positive affirmation about affirmations, like, “Affirmations help me relax” or, “Affirmations are powerful.” The truth is, they certainly can’t do any harm, so have a go. Keep saying your affirmations until you do believe them! Then they will work.
When my high needs daughter was born I felt like I was never enough. A friend of mine who is a psychologist suggested that constantly repeating to myself “I am not enough” could be part of the problem. I started saying “I am enough,” particularly during breastfeeding. As my oxytocin began to flow, so did my milk. It’s now one of my favourite motherhood affirmations. A mantra obviously won’t help if you have a clinical barrier to breastfeeding (like tongue-tie) but it can definitely help with stress.
To write your own affirmations, start by writing down your biggest fears, challenges and struggles.
Write down the one thing that gets to you the most right now.
Identifying the negative thought pattern associated with that situation. What goes through your mind when your baby wakes you up again? How do your imagined conversations go when your husband is home from work late again? What do you secretly mutter under your breath when your mother-in-law gives you more unwanted advice?
Reverse that negative thought. “He doesn’t love me” becomes “He loves me.” “I am not enough” becomes “I am enough.” “I hate you” becomes “I love you.” “I can’t get out of bed again!” becomes “I’m always happy to get up for you, and will ask for more help in the morning.” “I can’t do everything!” becomes “I can do anything, with the right support.”
Once you’ve reversed your affirmations, make sure they are in positive language. “I am not a bad mum” still means you are focussing your brain on the word bad. Try “I am a good mum” instead.
And, always phrase your affirmations in the present tense, as if they are already true. “I love you” is much more powerful than “I will learn to love you.”
Now write down your affirmations. You may choose one or two but don’t overwhelm yourself with too many.
Finally repeat, repeat, repeat.
If you wake up at 3am in a cold sweat, repeat your affirmations. When you are breastfeeding, repeat your affirmations. When you encounter that challenging situation replace your old script with your new affirmations. Anytime that little voice starts nagging you, repeat your affirmations even louder.
Write your affirmations on sticky notes, create some art and put them around your house where you will regularly see them.
If you are trying to shift a particularly deep-seated mindset, it may help to actually write down your affirmations every day. Writing is slower than talking and gives the affirmation time to really sink in. You can write your affirmations out 5 or 10 times a day for a much more deliberate and focussed way of changing your mindset.
Some people are more responsive to affirmations, but generally you will need to repeat your affirmation every day for thirty days before your brain adopts the habit of thinking in this new way.
And, as always, build your village and ask for help!